I find it difficult to stop moving. My dreams are dark and full of death and my waking thoughts not much better. Somehow moving helps. Keep moving, keep searching, keep fighting. It leaves less time for thought. It seems my mind is my greatest enemy these days. In the silence it goes to the blackest of places and I look for distractions.
What used to be distant memories rush back in vivid detail forcing me to relive the horrors I am desperate to forget. Why is this? Is this the work of the dread father? What purpose could there be in making me re experience the terror & pain of those days? This building conflict continually forces me to run on instinct rather than intellect...this could kill me if I am not careful.
Solstheim has been a distraction but even this strange place can only do so much. My head often throbs as if something were drumming on the inside of my skull. it's becoming impossible to ignore. I have not found a way to dull the pain and I fear sleep. I have been here before. I am not a stranger to this feeling. I happened at Avanchenzel. I thought it would kill me but somehow I survived it. This feels the same but nothing that worked then seems to work now. What has changed?
I cannot dwell on this now I must push forward. I must attempt sleep. I cannot hope to defeat my enemies without it.
Thoughts of Nephae are often a distraction. I wonder about her health and her fate. Was it a mere fluke that she was nearly killed in my place or was it part of some sick prophecy. I cannot escape the feeling that I am being toyed with...