Frostfall, 24th, 4E 202
Paarthurnax has opened my eyes to new ways, yet if I remain in the dark, away from the light, how will I ever truly see? I need to think, but before I can, I must learn to meditate. I will ask Angeir and the monks in High Hrothgar to help me. Paarthurnax, too. But it is late. I must go.
After several hours a truce has been made, fragile though it is. As I sat, collecting my thoughts on the next move, my move, Delphine approached me. She said that I need kill Paarthurnax. She is so far in the past, that she cannot begin to comprehend the now, let alone the future. I will not kill the only being that has looked beyond what I am and into who I am. I must speak to him, and then I will rest here for as long as is needed.
Frostfall, 27th, 4E 202
I have spoken with Angier and he has indulged me my questions as well as teaching me the basics of meditation. The Voice is to be in sync with ones actions, only then true peace can be obtained; when one has reconciled both their actions and their mind. The Voice is to be used to honor Kynarath and the gods, not men or mer. Angier referred to Kynarath as a goddess. The thought comforts me for some reason. But I must be careful, and focus on my own balance, for Mehrunes has deceived me, I can see that now. But am I in such need of the validation of a higher being that I would be so quick to jump from one to another? No. I cannot let myself do that. I must take my time. I must try to strive for peace from within first before I can reach out to another. I must meditate; I must relearn who I really am. Only then will I understand who my mother is. Only then will I understand who my father is. I hope that I have the courage to face my aunt and uncle someday, whether it be here or beyond. I hope they can forgive me.
Paarthurnax seems to accept the blades willingness to want him dead, but that will not happen by my hands. Paarthurnax said something that gives me hope. He said, "What is better: To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?".
Frostfall, 29th, 4E 202
Dagri'Lon has made it clear that he does not approve of my vampiric state. I would've dismissed it long ago, but he is a man trapped, and who would know better than he about the fragile state of life and death? I have for so long considered this a gift, but now I am beginning to wonder if that is true. No. I do not wonder. I know that it is not. Even now I hunger for blood. Am I too far gone, or with great effort, can I overcome? Ugh! It is so much to take in.
Funny. I used to think that The Deep was comforting. It was. But now I see that it was only because I was able to hide from myself in the darkness there. High Hrothgar has opened my eyes and the light hurts! By the gods, it hurts so much!! But in the pain, there is comfort. Comfort not gained by hiding, but rather, by being exposed. By coming to terms....with myself. I have so much more to learn. But first I must speak with Delphine, and then...if I have the courage, I must find a cure for my "gift". And then I can say goodbye to Dagri'Lon, unless he chooses to stay here, with me in High Hrothgar....I hope the monks will allow me to stay.
Frostfall, 30th, 4E 202
So, Alduin is no more and my future is once again mine to control, maybe no more so than ever before. As Angier has stated, what shall I become: a hero, a curse, or a fleeting memory to be lost in time. I have spoken with him about residency in High Hrothgar. I do not believe that he was expecting such a question. He said that he would confer with the others and to come back when they have come to a decision. And he said, while they were deciding that I had unfinished business to attend to. And so I do. I fear that the truce will be in tatters, if it exists at all anymore. And then there is this vampirism. I cannot focus properly if my mind is clouded with this disease. I will leave for now and let the way of the voice guide me